All I Have Is All You Gave To Me
by Brandywine421
Summary: Follow up to my stories "The Reason" (under Angel section) and "After the Fall"--Xander and Dawn return from L.A. and Xander is getting worse...


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DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, I just torture them for my own amusement.

This is sort of an epilogue for my fic "The Reason" which is posted under the Angel section but it is also a follow-up to "After the Fall" which is in the Buffy section. Basically, when Xander saved Willow at the end of "Grave", all that power that she hit him with changed him (see AFTER THE FALL). Xander and Dawn traveled to L.A. to rescue Angel from his ocean prison using his new empathic powers. Xander has started to deteriorate rapidly and this story describes Dawn and Xander's return from L.A. 

"What in god's name…" Buffy rants, stumbling to the door in her pajamas.

"Hello, Buffy," Giles smiles, embracing her before she can react.

"Giles! Anya! You're back!" Buffy says, excitement mixed with dread. She hugs him too long.

"You look thin, is everything okay?" Giles asks. "Where's Willow? Xander and Dawn?"

"Guys, come in and sit down," Buffy says, hugging Anya. Giles and Anya follow her inside and sit down.

"Willow's upstairs. She's been catatonic for a few weeks now…" Buffy pauses, feeling Giles' eyes on her, disappointed. "But she snapped out of it yesterday…"

"Why yesterday?" Anya questions.

"Xander and Dawn are taking a little road trip and Willow kind of, freaked, when Xander was gone. They should be getting back soon."

"Where did Xander and Dawn go?" Giles questions.

Buffy hesitates. "Things have been a little crazy around here…I don't know where they went."

"What?" Giles asks, confused.

"Xander's handling it," She replies.

"Handling what? Why is Dawn with him?" Giles asks, still confused.

"After everything that's happened…Remember how Xander got all weird after we got Willow back? Well, now he's psychic and powerful…he knows things about everything…he's basically fine but he can't drive by himself and…" Buffy starts to explain.

"Wait, back up a second…Xander's sick?" Willow enters the room, wrapped in a blanket. She smiles for the first time in weeks as Giles embraces her. 

The phone rings, saving Buffy from her explanation. She answers it immediately.

"Hey Buff. Everything okay?" Xander's voice is hoarse through the phone.

"Not really. Giles and Anya are back and Willow just heard me telling them about you," Buffy explains, walking away from the stunned friends. 

"Well, I guess we know about keeping secrets, it always comes back to bring the drama," Xander sighs. "Let me talk to Willow a sec."

Buffy turns and hands the phone to Willow.

"Buffy? What's wrong with Xander?" Anya asks, paler than before.

"He's not exactly sick…he senses everything, he gets bombarded with people's emotions…he can tell when people are in trouble…"

"He's an empath," Giles offers.

"Sort of…its hard for him to focus, he gets overloaded a lot." Buffy glances down. "He drinks some, just to keep himself focused…otherwise…"

"What?" Anya asks.

"He hurts himself…the pain quiets the voices, he says. He's working at the construction site and bartending and I've been waitressing and working at the palace…he keeps too busy to be sick."

"Why didn't you call us?" Giles asks, glancing at Willow who is nodding into the phone.

"You guys had to go to England and we didn't want to worry you about something that can't be changed. A few days ago, Xander got really upset about something and took some time off from work. I can't leave Willow and the slaying so…I told him to take care of it without me if he could…Dawn's driving him." Buffy nods to the phone. "He's on the line now."

Willow passes the phone back to Buffy and goes to embrace Giles again.

"Buffy?"

"Yeah, Xander, I'm here. What's up?"

"Dawn and I should be back tonight. Anything we should pick up for you?" Xander questions, tiredness leaking from his voice.

"Nope, I got groceries already, I was planning on surprising you guys with a nice meal, but the surprise is probably too much now…" Buffy says, shaken by Giles' and Anya's reappearance. "Did you get things taken care of?"

"I hope so. Dawn wants to talk to you."

"Buffy?"

"Hey, Dawn, you okay?"

"Yeah, Xander just took me shopping…he's getting worse, Buffy," She whispers quietly.

"Bring him home, Dawn. I'm sure once he's here with Anya, Giles and Willow that he'll be better."

***

Dawn slips her key into the lock quietly. Xander and herself only arrived in Sunnydale minutes before and it is four am. The door swings open before she can turn the knob and Anya greets her. 

"Anya!" Dawn embraces her enthusiastically. 

"Hey, Dawn. You're late. I was worried."

Dawn smiles, having missed her. "Don't worry, Anya. We're okay."

Buffy appears, yawning. She hugs Dawn after Anya releases her

"Morning, sis."

"Morning. Where's Xander?"

"In the car. He's finally sleeping," Dawn explains.

"Hate to wake him but he should come inside," Buffy ponders aloud.

"I have to see him," Anya says, starting toward the car. 

"How is he?" Buffy asks, quietly, following beside Dawn.

"We had a little unforeseen drama before we left and he got a little weird, but he was okay enough to drive most of the way back. I think he's worried about Willow and that's what's keeping him going."

"Where did you guys go?" Buffy asks, after a beat. 

"You sure you want to know?" Dawn replies.

"Xander!" Anya squeals as he surprises her by playfully pouncing on her from inside the car.

"Hey, An," Xander grins. He is still deathly pale and has a dark scruffy beard from not shaving. 

"Baby, you're so sick…" Anya's face changes to sadness in an instant once she reads beyond his façade. 

"No, I'm not sick, just a little worn-out," Xander replies, hugging her. He glances at Buffy. "How's Willow?"

"She's good. Giles is with her. She's tons better," Buffy smiles. She automatically helps Xander from the car. 

"Why are you helping him?" Anya gasps.

"I'm drained. We were in L.A," Xander says, flatly.

"LA? Is Angel okay?" Buffy gasps.

"He is now," Dawn smiles.

"You didn't tell me it was Angel," Buffy starts to protest.

"Buffy. There was nothing you could do but get upset and there was enough of that already," Xander pauses, looking into the distance.

"Xander?" Buffy urges.

"Yeah. I couldn't have you getting upset and therefore upsetting Willow," Xander finishes, absently.

"Will you tell me everything?" Buffy asks.

"Sure. After I get a shower…"

"And a shave?" Anya interjects. Xander smiles and goes upstairs to get cleaned up.

Dawn turns to Anya and her sister. "He tried to shave before we left LA but the shakes were really bad. He's putting on a front for you guys."

"What happened in L.A?" Buffy asks.

"Shouldn't we wait for Giles and Willow?" Dawn stalls.

"They're sleeping," Buffy replies. 

"We're up now. Friends of the Slayer are used to staying up all night," Willow says, leading Giles into the living room.

"You think Xander's okay?" Anya asks, glancing upstairs.

"Go check on him, Anya…make sure he's okay," Dawn says, quietly. She embraces Giles and Willow in a combined hug.

"Dawn, you look wonderful," Giles grins.

"Buffy and Xander take good care of us," Willow adds.

"I'm so glad you're better, Will," Dawn says. "You had us scared for a while."

"Me too," She replies.

"Where is Xander?" Giles questions.

"He's getting cleaned up," Dawn replies, quietly.

Anya appears downstairs again, shaken. "He'll be down in a few minutes."

"Was he okay?" Dawn questions.

Anya shakes her head, slowly. "I don't think he knew where he was. He was just standing in the bathroom looking around like he was lost…"

"Anya, he gets like that sometimes, it's nothing to worry about…" Buffy starts.

"No, it is something to worry about, Buffy. He's scarred like he's been cutting himself, his hands are swollen and he's been drinking…he's lost at least 20 pounds since Giles and I left. He should see a doctor…"

"The doctors can't help him. He's infected with something supernatural. You remember what happened after…" Buffy starts.

"After I went psycho? He was sick. But he got better, Buffy. How long has he been this bad?" Willow questions.

"He's getting worse," Dawn admits. "He can't drive unless someone is with him. That's why I went with him to LA. He was getting all upset about something and he wouldn't talk about it. He was spacing out a whole lot and finally he told me that he was getting hits from Angel and his friends in LA."

"Hits?" Giles interrupts.

"He gets flashes from people, he gets their memories and their pain…he can constantly feel what we are feeling. He can't handle being in crowds because it's too much for him," Buffy explains.

"I had no idea that the effects would last this long," Giles says.

"It's not that bad, guys, we've been managing fine. Buffy and Xander are both working and supporting us. Buffy and Xander are still slaying regularly…" Dawn starts.

"It's not okay. He's not okay," Anya replies.

"Hey, guys, I guess I'm the topic of conversation today?" Xander smiles, wanly, entering. His hair is still wet and he hasn't shaved. No one notices his trembling until he sits down.

"Xander, why didn't you tell me you were sick?" Willow asks, getting close to him.

"Willow, I'm not sick…its not your fault…" Xander's brown eyes are clouded with anguish. He looks away, distracted.

"Xander?" Willow starts to panic when he doesn't respond to her.

"All of us here, it's probably too much for him after all the drama in LA," Dawn says, shaking him gently. "Xander? Buffy and Willow want to hear about LA. Xander?" Dawn calls.

"Oh? Yeah…LA…" Xander starts. "Focus, right, Dawn?"

"Yeah, you finally got it," Dawn smiles.

"Dawn says as long as I keep my focus on wherever I am that it will help me stay grounded…I'm open to any suggestions right now. Anyway…LA," Xander starts.

"Is Angel okay?" Giles repeats Buffy's question.

"Angel has a son," Xander starts.

Buffy gasps. "How?"

"From what I gather, nobody really knows. Darla and Angel had a child, Connor. The story's kind of involved so stay with me. Wesley found some prophecies that said that Angel was going to kill his son, so he tried to take him away. Holtz, an old enemy of Angel's had traveled through time in order to kill Angel, but instead he kidnapped baby Connor and took him to a hell dimension. A few weeks later, when Angel was trying to get his son back, he opened a portal and some monsters came through with a teenage Connor and Holtz. There were all kinds of assorted drama that culminated in Holtz getting one of his followers to kill him and frame Angel. To avenge his foster father, Connor kidnapped Angel and…sealed him in a steel coffin and dropped him into the ocean."

"Are you serious, Xander?" Buffy questions, stunned.

"Yeah. But not to worry, Dawn and I got in touch with Wesley and…" Xander starts.

"What about Cordelia?" Anya interrupts.

"Cordelia…she's moved on to bigger and better things. She's a power," Xander replies, slowly.

"A power? As in The Powers That Be? That kind of Power?" Willow gasps.

"Exactly," Xander nods.

"But you rescued Angel, right?" Buffy asks.

"Yes, we found him and brought him home. He was still a little out of it but being on the bottom of the ocean starving to death will make you a little out of it, you know?" Xander shrugs.

"I thought we had it bad…" Giles gasps.

"Everything seemed to be going okay when we left. Angel and his friends were going to forgive Wesley…" Dawn starts.

"Wesley's in a bad place…" Xander says, quietly. "He thought he was doing the right thing, he gave up everything to protect Angel's son and all he got was a slit throat and his friends became his enemies."

"Slit throat?" Giles asks.

"He almost died and when Angel found out what happened…he tried to kill him. I'm supposed to call him in a few minutes to let him know we got in okay," Xander nods.

"Wesley and Lorne are going to help find Xander someone that can help him…Lorne thinks that he knows a sorceress in Vegas," Dawn adds.

"Xander, that's great," Buffy nods, encouragingly. 

"Right as we were getting ready to leave…" Xander starts.

"After Xander's trance…" Dawn interrupts.

"You went into a trance again? Xander, you know…" Buffy starts to scold him.

"Wait. What kind of trance?" Giles interrupts. 

"It's like I shut down…I start channeling all the flashes that I get and sort of…I take the pain and trauma from them so they can recover faster…" Xander explains, his eyes slightly glazed again.

"Xander, why would you do that when you're so drained already?" Buffy demands.

"I don't really have a choice, it just happens…everything would be a lot easier if I could control it…" Xander says, his trembling intensifying. 

"Why are you shaking, Xan? You're safe here," Anya says, trying to calm him.

"I always shake," Xander replies, honestly. 

Willow starts to cry. Xander turns to her to comfort her, but freezes. He gets up and walks from the room, as if stricken.

"Xander?" Anya follows him, concerned. 

Xander rushes into the bathroom and starts to vomit. Anya reaches for him to try and soothe him but he pulls away.

"Don't touch me…I'll hurt you…" Xander coughs.

Anya is joined by Buffy in the doorway of the bathroom. Anya reaches for Xander anyway and a flash of white light knocks both girls from the room into the hallway with a 'pop'. The mirror in the bathroom shatters a second later.

"Are you okay?" Buffy asks, concerned for Anya after seeing her stricken expression.

"He's in so much pain…I felt it…" Anya gasps. Buffy gets to her feet and starts for Xander.

Xander is still hunched over the toilet, gagging. 

"Xander?"

"I couldn't touch her…Willow…she's crying and I can't even touch her…now Anya…Give me a few minutes, Buffy…" Xander closes the door before she can protest.

"What's going on?" Giles asks, helping Anya up from the floor.

"He's electric or something, he can't touch anyone…" Buffy replies.

"I'm going to go call Wesley. Maybe I can help him find someone to help him," Giles says. "Come on, Anya, you can help me."

Anya follows, her eyes never leaving the bathroom door.

Dawn and Willow join Buffy in the hallway.

"What's wrong?" Dawn questions, instantly.

"He just needs a minute," Buffy replies.

"Why?" Dawn asks, suspicious.

"He got all shocky…" Buffy explains. "If you touch him, he zaps you."

"Buffy, you can't leave him alone in there like that," Dawn scolds, knocking on the door, urgently. "Xander, let me in."

"Dawn, wait just a minute…" Xander replies through the door.

"No, Xander, now, open the door or I'll have Buffy kick it open!" Dawn demands. She twists the knob and finds that it's unlocked. She swings open the door.

Xander is sitting in the corner amongst the shattered glass. He has a shard of glass in his hand, squeezing it and blood is pooling in the floor beneath him.

"Oh, Xander, stop," Dawn gasps, startled at his condition.

"Dawnie, I'm fine, I promise," Xander says, his eyes revealing that he is lying. His usually brown eyes are bright with white stars.

"Give it to me…give it to me, Xander!" Dawn orders, trying to get him to release the shard of glass from his grip. 

Willow puts on her resolve face and pushes past the frozen Buffy to get to her friend. She kneels in his blood beside Dawn. "Xander? Xander, baby, look at me…" She urges, pulling his face until he makes eye contact. 

"He's out of it…he must still be drained from LA…" Dawn says, finally getting him to drop the glass.

"Xander, please," Willow pleads, shaking him.

Xander smiles at the sound of her voice, but doesn't respond.

"He's been like this for months?" Willow asks, choking back her tears as she tries to rouse her friend.

Buffy finally comes into the small bathroom. "Here, wrap up his hand in this," She offers Dawn a towel. Dawn wraps up his hand to try and stop the bleeding. 

"Buffy? Can you go get Giles? Anya shouldn't see him like this, she's worried enough as it is…" Dawn starts.

"Worried? Who's worried?" Xander mumbles, his eyelids drooping as he starts to come around.

"Xander, look at me. Look at me. Focus on me," Willow orders, pushing her concern aside for sternness. 

Xander focuses on his friend. "Willow? What are you…oh shit…" Xander glances around him and realizes that he is bleeding. He enfolds Willow in an one-armed embrace. "I didn't mean to scare you, I'm so sorry…"

"Where were you? Where did you go?" Willow asks, hugging him fiercely.

"Nowhere…I'm right here," He answers. "I'll always be here, Will…"

"You need to rest, Xander, you are scaring the shit out of all of us," Buffy sighs.

"Well, Anya and Giles are here, so I guess I should go back to my place…" Xander replies, starting to get to his feet.

"No way. You are not leaving this house, Xander Harris," Willow replies. 

"You live with me now, Will, what are you talking about?" Xander laughs.

"You have to stay. No questions asked. You stay here almost every night anyway. Giles and Anya can stay at your place if they don't like it," Buffy replies. 

"I don't need a babysitter…" Xander protests.

"Xander Lavelle Harris!" Anya's voice shrieks, startling everyone. She walks into the bathroom, pale and shaken.

"Anya, it's not as bad…" He starts.

"What are you doing to him? My god, you're just letting him kill himself…" Anya looks at the girls with disgust. She takes Xander by his uninjured arm. "I'm taking him upstairs so he can sleep. He needs sleep." She pulls him away before anyone can respond.

"How can she waltz in here and say…" Buffy starts to go after Anya.

"No, she's right. We've known from the start that Xander wasn't okay. He's not getting better, no matter what he says. We should have asked for help months ago…" Dawn sighs.

"Dawn? How can you say that?" Buffy gasps.

"'Cause it's true. We let him drink himself oblivious every night because it stops his pain. I'm sure Willow would love it if we let her use magic to make the pain stop but that's not the way things work. It's wrong. We've been doing everything wrong," Dawn finishes. 

There is a piercing scream from upstairs. Buffy and Dawn make it there first, finding Giles and Anya standing outside the guestroom's door.

"What is it?" Buffy asks.

"I was in there with Xander and then…something pulled me out, something invisible…Xander could see it, but he couldn't help me…now we can't get in," Anya explains.

Buffy starts to turn the doorknob, but it's red hot. 

"I wouldn't recommend kicking the door in, Buffy…" Giles points to the bright light that is shining from beneath the door.

"What do you think is going on in there?" Willow asks, worry lining her face.

"You think I should teleport in there?" Anya asks, turning around.

"No. Whatever is happening in there…it doesn't want anyone to interrupt…I think we should just stay calm and wait for…" Giles starts.

Cordelia Chase materializes in front of the door, dressed in a flowing white dress and glowing slightly.

"Hey, Scoobies. Saw a panic about to break out so here I am. Sorry I couldn't come down sooner…"

"Cordelia? I thought I had changed a lot since high school…" Willow gasps.

"Yeah, tell me something I don't know," Cordelia grins.

"What about Xander?" Anya interrupts. 

"Nice to see you too, Anya," Cordelia quips. 

"What's going on in there?" Buffy asks.

"Xander's being contacted by…somebody important…" Cordelia hesitates.

"Somebody important? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Elvis, God, Jimmy Hoffa? Who?" Dawn replies.

"You know as much as I do. Just because I'm a Power doesn't mean I'm omnipotent. They don't tell us anything, hell, Xander knows much more than I ever will…he's so powerful that he scares me," Cordelia explains.

"Do you know what's happening to him?" Anya asks, still anxious despite Cordy's presence.

"He soaked up a tremendous amount of power and for whatever reason, it didn't kill him. The magic that's inside him is bonding to his soul…" Cordelia starts.

"Is that safe?" Dawn interrupts.

"No. Not for a mortal. But Xander, he's actually adapting. He's learning how to harness the power he holds and use it. He found Angel…" Her voice drifts slightly at the mention of the vampire's name. "If his body can hold up…"

"If? If his body can hold up, Cordelia? What does that mean?" Dawn demands.

"He's alive. He's going to make it. I did this to him…" Willow starts, upset.

"Willow, everything happens for a reason. You guys live on the Hellmouth and he has made it this far without dying or flipping out or getting turned into anything weird. Xander is strong, stronger than any of us gave him credit for."

"But that doesn't tell us what's going on in there," Anya replies.

The light shining from under the door disappears. Buffy makes it through the door first.

"Xander?" Anya gasps.

"Uh oh," Cordelia sums up. The room is empty.

***

"What do you want from me?" Xander asks, pain pulsing through his body

"Everything…" 

Xander spirals through darkness, spinning uncontrollably with flashes of his life and death. He hits bottom with a thump, jolting him into reality inside a blinding white room.

Drusilla's fingertips trace the skin on his face as she appears behind him.

"Pretty toy…so pale and pure…you want to make the pain stop? You want me to make it all go away?"

"Get away from me," Xander protests, wrenching from her grasp. Her nails draw blood, the scratches tearing his face. She licks his blood from her fingernails.

"There's a way to get away from the pain…" Dru says, her voice enchanting. "Look at me, look into my eyes…"

"No, I won't…" Xander turns away, trying to ignore her hypnotic eyes. Dru pushes him down and straddles his prone body.

"You aren't meant to be here, boy…you aren't supposed to be here…" Dru hisses, scratching him with her razor-sharp nails. 

"Get off me!" Xander screams, pushing her off him with all his strength. She shrieks and disappears.

"What the hell is going on?" Xander asks the void that surrounds him.

"What the hell do you think is going on? You have to be punished for what you have done, you must pay for the rules you have broken…" The familiar voice of his father echoes around him as he is slammed into the ground by a powerful arm. When he gets a look at his attacker, he finds that his father is in full vamp mode as he pummels him with his fists.

"You never listened, you never believed that the rules applied to you…you always thought you were special, but you're not, you're nothing…" His father snarls, denting his tender flesh.

"Get away from me! You're wrong…" Xander wrestles away from his father, scrambling to escape his flailing fists. His father pounces on him again, holding him to the ground. 

"You are not worthy of this gift…it is not your place…" His father growls, acting as if he is going to feed on Xander.

"I killed you once and I will do it again if you don't get off me…" Xander replies, gathering all his strength and flinging his father across the room. 

Xander staggers to his feet.

"Why are you doing this to me?" He yells into the void.

"You don't deserve this…you can't handle the responsibility that this entails…" Kendra, the murdered slayer, appears with a game face, a vampire in this nightmare. "You are not prepared…" Kendra begins kicking his ass, slayer-style. Xander is no match for the Slayer's attack. He finds himself on his back, coughing blood from the shattered ribs as Kendra attacks him.

"You have no right to be here!" Kendra screams.

"I have no choice…" Xander says. "Please…"

Kendra stops, backing away from him. The game face drops from her face and she smiles at him sadly. "No choice…" She smiles, fading away.

The Master appears behind him, his long-nailed fingers coming to rest on his shoulders. He sinks his claws into Xander's flesh, paralyzing him for the moment. "You have a choice, human…you have the choice to die and return the power to the ones that deserve it…you have the choice to die…"

Xander falls to his knees when the Master releases his grip. "I should also have the choice to live…" Xander says, exhaustion and pain overtaking him. 

"As you just said…you have no choice…" The Master snarls.

A flash of light blinds Xander and the Master disappears. He is alone in the white void. He wipes the blood from his mouth and face as best he can and stares at the blood, entranced. He is utterly alone.

*****

"Where is he? Where the hell did he go?" Buffy asks, after the silence settles.

"They must be testing him. He must be in another plane…" Cordelia starts.

"Why are you here if you don't know what's going on?" Anya accuses. 

"I was sent to help Xander through this transition…I didn't know he would be taken for his trials so soon…" Cordelia replies.

"What kind of trials, Cordelia? He's not in good shape…" Buffy replies.

"You really don't want to know what kind of trials…let me see if I can find him." Cordelia closes her eyes and starts to glow. Shortly after she starts glowing, the light dims and she returns to normal. 

"Well?" Anya demands.

"He's on his own, I can't reach him," Cordelia replies, quietly.

*****

"Wake up, Xander, you have to wake up…" 

Xander's eyes flutter open as the familiar pain returns. He recognizes Tara. 

"Xander, you have to fight through this if you want to make it back…stay strong and remember…none of this is real…" Tara says as she fades away.

"Nice…" Xander replies, alone again. When he sits up and turns his head to the side, he sees a small child. He recognizes the child as his friend, Jesse, years prior. 

"You don't belong here. This place is for the dead. You're not dead. Your soul is not dead. You should have rejected the power but somehow you absorbed it. You don't belong here," Jesse, the child, says, emotionlessly. 

"What am I supposed to do?" Xander asks the child.

"Die."

The child disappears and Xander is alone again. When he turns around, he finds his mother, vamped out, grinning at him, menacingly.

*****

"Cordelia. Tell us what's going on. Is Xander going to be okay?" Dawn asks.

"I hope so. I need to go have a conference with my bosses. Excuse me for a few minutes…" Cordelia says, her last words cut off as she disappears.

"This can't be good," Willow says aloud. Giles puts one arm around her and the other arm around Anya. 

"Let's take a walk. I'm sure he'll be back before we get back, okay? Let's trust Cordelia. Come on," Giles says, leading the worried ladies from the room. 

"Buffy…what are we going to do if Xander doesn't come back?" Dawn asks, pale. Buffy hugs her sister, reassuringly. 

"Xander would never leave us…" Buffy starts. She is interrupted as Xander materializes at their feet. He is covered in blood and unconscious. 

Dawn gasps as she and her sister kneel beside his body. 

"Call an ambulance…he's lost too much blood…he's alive, Dawn, just call an ambulance…" Buffy says, her ear to Xander's battered chest. 

Dawn rushes downstairs to use the phone.

"Xander? Xander, talk to me, wake up…" Buffy shakes him gently. Xander's eyes flutter and slowly open. They are glazed.

"Xander?"

"Buffy?" He whispers, his voice a croak.

"Xander, are you in pain?" Buffy questions, knowing the answer but not knowing what else to say.

"Buffy…you're not real…when will this stop…not real…" Xander mutters, closing his eyes and turning his head away.

"Xander, no, it's me, Buffy…Xander…" Buffy tries to make him look at her but he rolls on his side, breathing shallowly from his broken ribs.

Cordelia materializes, flushed.

"What did they do to him?" Buffy asks, tears starting to form as the sound of the ambulance gets closer.

"He should go to the hospital, Buffy…all the things that happened in the other place…it damaged him…he needs to rest…" Cordelia is clearly upset.

"You know something…what did you find out?" Buffy demands. 

Dawn appears with the EMT's. "Buffy, I'm going to ride with Xander in the ambulance. You find out what the hell is going on."

The medics load Xander onto the gurney and Dawn follows them to the ambulance.

"Cordelia," Buffy sighs, tired.

"The Powers That Be…they said that Xander passed all the trials…but…"

"But? Was that Xander in the ambulance?" Giles walks in on the second half of the conversation. 

"He materialized and was pretty badly beaten…Cordelia was just going to tell me what the Powers told her," Buffy says, 

"He passed all the trials. He passed them all…unbelievable for a mortal. The only thing is…he's going to lose a little of his sanity…" Cordelia says, her voice low.

"A little of his sanity? Isn't that like being a little bit pregnant? Are you serious?" Willow and Anya step into the room. Anya is pale.

"He's alive. That's what matters…but during the trials, something…snapped inside him…" Cordelia explains. 

"What snapped? What did they do to him?" Anya asks.

"His trials…they got a little intense. I think the one that broke him was…his mom…" Cordelia confesses.

"My god…poor Xander…I'm going to the hospital." Willow turns and pulls Anya with her out of the room.

"Cordelia, what else did the Powers say?" Giles asks, putting an arm around Buffy.

"Just that they were very impressed and he would be recovering fully physically. They said that his mental state…would be shaky at best…" Cordelia says.

"Let's go to the hospital, Buffy. I'm sure he'll be fine," Giles says, his face showing his distress.

*****

"It's not too faded, 

I still see that color coming through…"

-Default

Dawn is waiting in the lobby when everyone arrives. She is flushed and has blood smeared on her face. 

"Dawnie?" Buffy calls.

"He didn't know who I was…he doesn't remember me…" Dawn says, upset. 

"Oh, Dawn, sweetie, he's just really sick right now," Buffy says, embracing her shaky sister. 

"But what if the memories…what if they took away the memories the monks gave him…" Dawn asks, starting to cry. 

"Dawn, I promise you, Xander could never forget you, he loves you too much…" Anya reassures. 

"Cordelia says that the power is affecting his mind…his sanity…it's not you…" Buffy says. 

"When will we find some peace? It seems like everything just gets worse…" Dawn sobs, quietly.

"Shh…it'll be okay…" Buffy tries to comfort her.

A nurse approaches the group. "Excuse me. Are you Mr. Harris' family?"

"He doesn't have any blood relatives. We're his family in the way that counts," Willow says, amazingly calm but pale with worry.

"Okay. I need someone to help me with his paperwork. Who knows his medical history best?" The nurse sighs.

"You should have a lot of his records on file…he was here a lot when he was younger…" Willow follows the nurse into a separate room. 

"Why was Xander in the hospital when he was younger?" Dawn questions.

"Xander's parents were not nice people," Anya says, quietly. Realization slowly shows on Dawn's face and she starts to cry again. 

"Xander would want you to be strong…you held him together when you guys went to L.A. He could never forget you," Anya says, embracing the teenager. 

Dawn sniffles and visibly steels herself, wiping her face.

"Xander? God, is he ever going to wake up?" Anya and Willow are sharing a seat on the empty bed in his hospital room. He has been unconscious for several hours after the sedation that the emergency room doctors gave him. The doctors stitched up several gashes on his body and set his broken bones. 

Xander stirs slightly, mumbling in his sleep. He is restrained because he kept trying to pull out his i.v.'s before they sedated him. Willow beats Anya to his bedside.

"Xander?"

"Willow…tried to save her…I'm trying…" Xander mumbles, his eyes still closed.

"Xander, wake up…you're safe…please wake up…" Willow whispers, starting to cry.

"Blood…no more blood…" Xander mutters, turning away. "Make it stop…" 

Anya realizes that time has stopped. Willow is frozen in place and Xander's hands are glowing with white light. She shakes Xander. 

"Xander, stop it, snap out of it!" 

Xander seems to recognize Anya's voice and opens his eyes. They are dull with pain, but he seems lucid. "Anya?"

"Yes, Xander, it's me…you need to stop using your powers…you've stopped time…" Anya explains, loosening his restraints as he starts to struggle. When his wrists are free, the glowing stops and Willow glances at Anya, confused.

"What's going on? Where am I?" Xander asks, confused.

"You're in the hospital…do you remember what happened?" Willow asks.

Xander shakes his head, but both Willow and Anya see the pain in his eyes. "Not really…when do I get out of here? I hate this place…"

"They want you to stay overnight for observation…" Anya starts.

"I don't want to stay. Can't I sign out A.M.A?" Xander asks, alert now.

"Against medical advice? Xander, no…" Willow replies.

"I'm fine…I'm in pain, but I'll be better once I'm home…I haven't been home in so long…feels like years…" Xander's eyes glaze over slightly.

"Xander, no spacing out, we just got you back!" Anya panics slightly, shaking him.

"What? Yeah…what's wrong with Dawn?" Xander asks, his eyes flashing suddenly, startling both girls.

"She's worried about you, we all are…Xander?" Willow realizes that Xander is staring into space. She shakes him gently.

He looks at her with blank eyes. "I'll be right back…" His eyes roll back in his head and his body goes limp.

Anya's demonic qualities allow her to see the light blue aura float from Xander's body from the room.

"Willow, I've never seen anyone…any mortal have the powers that he has…he stopped time a few minutes ago and now…his spirit is travelling…" Anya tells the worried redhead.

"Where?" Willow asks. Anya points toward the door with a shrug. 

"He's not going to be able to handle this, shit, I can't even handle this…" Willow says, panicking slightly. 

Dawn and Buffy rush into the room, flushed. "Is he okay?"

Anya's eyes follow Xander's spirit as it returns to his body. 

"Anya? Do you see him?" Willow notices her wandering gaze.

"He's back…" She says as Xander's body starts to convulse. He gasps, and wakes up with wide eyes.

"Xander?" 

"I'm so sorry…I couldn't save them…I tried…please don't hurt me anymore…" He murmurs, his eyes glazed and unfocused.

"Xander, no, you're safe…" Buffy says, trying to calm him and keep him from curling up into a fetal position. 

"…I tried, Buffy, I tried to save her…I tried…" Xander mutters, anguished.

"Xander, look at me, look at me…" Anya urges. He meets her eyes.

"Anya?"

"Yes, Xander, we're all here, you're in the hospital, remember?"

"Hospital?" Xander questions, still confused. Light starts to emanate from his fingertips again.

"What the hell…" Buffy realizes that time has stopped.

"He can freeze time," Anya says, distantly. She returns her focus to Xander. "Xander. Xander."

"Yeah?" He asks, distracted by something unseen.

"Stop doing what you're doing, you need to focus," Anya urges.

The light dims and time returns to normal. Cordelia walks in with Giles. "What's going on in here?" Cordelia asks, clearly alarmed.

"Xander's awake," Anya replies, quelling her worry and speaking calmly.

"…Please, make it stop…please…I can't make it stop…its too much…" Xander moans, his face drawn with pain.

"Too many people. He says there's too many people here. Can you hear him?" Dawn questions, suddenly, looking around.

"He's telepathic now?" Giles gasps as Dawn goes to his bedside.

Xander turns to Dawn, anguished. "I'm so sorry…I tried to save you…"

"Xander, I'm real, look at me," She forces him to meet her gaze. "Focus on me, Xander, I'm real…this is real…"

"Help me…there's too much…I need to be alone…I need…" Xander's voice trails off as his eyes glaze over.

"Why don't we all go home and get some rest…I think Xander's been through enough today and all our emotions bouncing off him aren't doing any good," Giles suggests after a long pause.

"I'm staying. He wants me to stay with him," Dawn announces. 

"Okay. You stay. If you need anything, if he wants to see us, call…" Buffy says, her voice trembling.

As soon as everyone steps outside the room, Willow collapses into sobs. "I'm sorry…this is all my fault…" She chokes.

"Stop it. Stop crying now. Xander needs us to be strong. He's been holding everything together for months now and we have to show him that he doesn't have to. You have to be strong so he knows that this wasn't all for nothing…" Anya says, taking Willow's shoulders and shaking her gently.

"I just can't see him like this…he's in so much pain…" Willow cries, allowing Anya to embrace her. Buffy and Giles follow suit, forming a group hug.

Cordelia smiles slightly before disappearing. 

"We're going to be okay, Willow, all of us. We've come too far for this to break us down," Buffy reassures, pale.

"Okay…I'll be okay…I have to make Xander proud of me…I have to stay strong," Willow says, wiping her tears away.

"We'll have a group cry back at the house, Willow…Where's Cordy?" Buffy questions.

*****


End file.
